Office Etiquette

Two things happened to me this morning that rocked my world.

The first, a bearded man gruffly hoeing into his muesli on the train this morning at 8.08am whilst making strong eye contact with me multiple times. For every time we made eye contact, I vomited in my mouth a little.

The second was when I stood at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for that sexist (ha!) red man to turn green, rain beating down on my increasingly frizzy hair, only to then be sheltered by the cover of my neighbouring pedestrian’s umbrella. Bless. For those 13 seconds that we stood slightly too close together, I was touched. Literally.

These two mundane events, of which you too may have experienced, inspired me to ponder what has happened to modern manners and why some people are more inclined to act appropriately in public whilst others buck the norm of traditional niceties and focus only on themselves, ignoring the affect their actions have on others.

As such, I have created a guide of a few things that you categorically cannot do on the train, in the office or in the cubicle, ensuring no one will ever write an article about you and your inability to act with etiquette.

NEVER SHOULD YOU EVER

-Open a can of tuna in the office without at least asking your co-workers if it is okay. Don’t be the fishy guy in your office. That guy is not cool. Ask before you open- simple. Also the train is a no tuna zone.

-Don’t stand too close to the person in front of you on an escalator. I know that those moving steps are threatening but it’s going to be okay, stand on the step below. Having someone so close that you can taste their breath is just never okay. Unless you have a partner and are in love and enjoy that or something. Ew love.

-Invest in some deodorant if utilising public transport- the stinky train guy is on par with the stinky fish guy from the office. They should hang out some time.

-Don’t play your music out loud on the train. Music is great, but Slim Shady on a Tuesday is not necessary for the whole train. Grab some earphones and have your own cool private disco!

-Don’t make any phone calls on the train/tram. We get it, you need to organise an appointment with your gyno, but does the whole train need to hear when and wear the smear will be taking place? Absolutely not.

-Not flushing the toilet. Are you a baby? No. If you go to the toilet and do more than a wee, flush that bad boy down. If she is clogged and fixing it is beyond you, then politely place some paper over your poop, and walk out of that cubicle with confidence.

-Don’t murder people.

So be like the kind umbrella lady, not the gruff muesli man and help make the world a politer place.