The Rio Olympics Were a Mess and We Loved It

The Rio 2016 Olympics ran about as smoothly as a pop-up book in brail.

Michael Phelps' Notorious Photo Op [image source:], crowd ink, crowdink,,
Michael Phelps' Notorious Photo Op [image source:]

The Rio 2016 Olympics ran about as smoothly as a pop-up book in brail. You have to hand it to them though, they didn’t look prepared, but right at the last minute Vanderlei Cordeiro de Lima lit the ceremonial Citronella candle and the games were on!

There were sensations, firsts, mysteries, and Ryan Lochte. Here’s the wrap up of the 2016 Rio Summer Games.

The Sensations:

Michael Phelps' Notorious Photo Op [image source:], crowd ink, crowdink,,
Michael Phelps’ Notorious Photo Op [image source:]
Vision of an unamused Michael Phelps behind a clowning Chad le Clos became an Internet goldmine faster than you can say the word “When…”

• Like a Bolt of Smiling

In the semi-finals of the 100m, Usain Bolt felt relaxed enough to pose for a couple new mid-race cover photos for his Facebook.

I want to see this movie. Shout out to Joseph Gordon Levitt who’ll probably play Usain Bolt.

That British guy is struggling more than Ryan Lochte keeping up with an episode of Sesame Street.

• The Dive
They decided the diving pool was too green and then shifted the event to the athletics track. Here Shaunae Miller of the Bahamas beats her competitor Allyson Felix to the finish line with a textbook ‘ticket collector appears in the next carriage’ dive.

The Firsts:
• Simone Manuel became the first black woman to win an Olympic medal in an individual swimming event when she tied Canadian Penny Oleksiak in the 100m freestyle. All white people have left now are sports graded on how well we can train expensive animals to dance.

• Golf featured in the Olympics for the first time since 1904. Let’s hope they bring back more sports, like Barcelona 1992’s Roller Hockey event!


(Cue 90s nostalgia party)

• Monica Puig won Puerto Rico’s first gold medal in the Women’s Singles Tennis, which is ironic because Puerto Rico keeps double (de) faulting on their loans.

The Mysteries:

• A lot of public funds go missing in Brazil, but at least some of it goes to good use.

Olympic Lifeguard [image source:], crowd ink, crowdink,,
Olympic Lifeguard
[image source:]

About as useful as a fly-screen on a submarine.

• The Green Diving Pool

Diving Pools [image source:], crowd ink, crowdink,,
Diving Pools [image source:]

The Olympic diving pool mysteriously turned green and nobody knew why. Witnesses say a man in a Russian team tracksuit was seen pouring urine samples out into the pool during the night.

• Ryan Lochte

Ryan Lochte and some of his USA teammates claimed they were robbed after four men allegedly forced them out of their taxi at gunpoint in the early hours of the morning.

What actually happened however, was that Lochte and his merry pals vandalised a gas station and had been held by security guards whilst intoxicated. This finally answers the question posed by the idiotic swimmer’s reality show title What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

Closing Ceremony:

After a gaff-filled games Brazil was finally able to breathe easy after pulling off the continent’s first games. Frankly the games from Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto were less controversial.

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe accepted the Olympic flag from Rio as Tokyo prepares to host the games in 2020. Abe won the closing ceremony by dressing as famous Nintendo character Mario. If there is one thing that goes down well in front of a global audience, it’s Italian jokes.