Are you moving out in 2017? Heading to uni to live in a crusty dorm and party it up with other sweaty young bloods? Decided it’s time to spread those wings and finally find independence away from your parents? Well stop right there you naïve goon because I’ve got news for you.
Moving out isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
From dishes to rent, moving out is not the glamourous experience you imagine it to be. How do I know all of this you ask? Because I’ve been there man. And the memories are painfully fresh.
Here are the five reasons why you should stay at home forever.
- There is no mum
Let’s talk about mums. They are forgotten heroes of today’s society. They comfort you when you’re sick, they proof read your essays when you have big assignments due, they cook for you and even do your washing if you are especially lazy.
Their brilliance could fill a novel. But brace yourself little buddy. Because guess what? Mum doesn’t come with you when you move out. You become your own mum. Have a bad dream? Deal with it. Too tired to cook after a long day at uni or the office? Starve. A world without mum on hand is a brutal world indeed.
- $4 red wine is not at good as $30 red wine
The rumours are true not all wine tastes the same. Alas, a girl needs wine and a girl out of home is a girl on a budget. So she settles for the $4 wine, explaining to the shop assistant she needs a cheap wine for she is cooking a lavish goulash to impress her roommates, when really she is going home to sip that bad boy through a straw whilst pretending it’s something fancier. There is no goulash, there never was any goulash, nor will there ever be any goulash. Goulash.
- Dishwashers are not a thing
That’s right fellas you have to wash your grimy dishes by hand. You can’t just stack them in the dishwasher and shut the door- those dishes stare at you minute after minute and hour after hour begging you to wash them, dry them and put them away. You could just use paper plates but that’s pretty darn basic and no one wants to be basic.
- It’s spenno
When you live out of home you have to pay. Pay for rent, pay for groceries, pay for insurance, pay for your terrible choice. It all adds up. You’re a real person now and mummy and daddy aren’t going to help you out. So say goodbye to treating yourself to smashed avo and new shoes on the reg- when you have bills there ain’t no thrills.
- It’s cold. It’s hot. You just can’t win.
In the depths of Winter you can’t afford your gas heater and in the height of Summer you obviously don’t have air-con and all your fan does is mock you by circulating warm air pretending to cool you. Prepare for shivers and sweat. So much sweat.
And so I urge you, naive youth, to stay at home for as long as you can. Save yourself, save your money and save your romantic ideas of adulthood. Hold on to them, cherish them, become them. Because once you are a member of the real world there is no going back. Spread the message. If only one person hears this message and stays home until they are 30 then my job here is done.