Breakbook – 10 Things I Hate About You

Facebook feels our pain. No more melodramatic poems written as cryptic Facebook statuses. Facebook has limited our involvement with exes. At least, digitally.

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Breakbook 10 Things I Hate About You

Unfriending someone has become the new blacklisting. Digitally speaking, it’s one of the most definitive ways to cut someone out of your life. Breakups are always complicated and sometimes, unfriending someone is both impractical and too extreme. Facebook is listening. They’re currently testing settings on the US mobile version that allows users quite a bit of control over how much your new ex can view and vice versa.

With that, we turn to one of the most iconic breakups of all time and how they may have benefitted from Facebook’s new cureall: Kat (Julia Stiles) and Patrick (Heath Ledger) from 10 Things I Hate About You.

In order to cope with getting dumped, Kat writes a poem for English class. She nails what a breakup feels like with all of the teen angst you’d expect from 1999’s version of The Taming of the Shrew.

 

Let’s break it down:

I HATE THE WAY YOU TALK TO ME

AND THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR

I HATE THE WAY YOU DRIVE MY CAR

I HATE IT WHEN YOU STARE

Oh, Kat. No longer an issue. Facebook now allows you to limit the amount of your posts your ex gets on the News Feed. Patrick has no need to message you, anymore. Likewise, your News Feed will be gloriously empty of any and all haircuts that the ex did or did not get. As for staring, Facebook stalking is getting more complicated. You can now change the notification and privacy setting on old posts. No more nostalgically flicking through couple-ish albums.

I HATE YOUR BIG DUMB COMBAT BOOTS

AND THE WAY YOU READ MY MIND

I HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT IT MAKES ME SICK

IT EVEN MAKES ME RHYME

Post in peace. All new statuses that may or may not be related to the ex and/or your annoyance with them are for sympathising friends only. Use as many cliched, gross rhyme schemes as you like. Rant and rave without worrying about hurt feelings or being petty. Post responsibly, but don’t worry about Patrick’s input.

I HATE THE WAY YOU’RE ALWAYS RIGHT

I HATE IT WHEN YOU LIE

I HATE IT WHEN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH

EVEN WORSE WHEN YOU MAKE ME CRY

There are still going to be shares you agree with. There are still going to be exaggerated statuses you want to call your ex S.O. out on. RESIST THE URGE. Again, Facebook is giving you the control to rid yourself of temptation. You can’t react to what you don’t see.

I HATE THE WAY YOU’RE NOT AROUND

AND THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN’T CALL

BUT MOSTLY I HATE THE WAY I DON’T HATE YOU

NOT EVEN CLOSE, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT, NOT AT ALL

If you’re changing your relationship status, this just happened. No one comes out of a relationship and forgets about all of the good stuff. As creepy as it sounds, Facebook is here to help. After years of being able to hold on with Facebook stalking and “keeping in touch,” they’re giving you the option to go cold turkey. So use it or don’t, but it’s nice to have the option.

BOTTOM LINE

Handling a breakup sucks, but this movie will always kick tuckus. It’s okay, Kat. We feel you.


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Sam Ferrante is a poet, editor, facilitator, and writer born on Long Island, college-fed in Western New York and Paris, and then poetically raised in Buffalo, NY; Ireland; and Australia. A former member of the Pure Ink Poetry team in Buffalo and a regular competitor in Dublin's Slam Sunday, Sam was a Co-Creative Producer at Melbourne-based Slamalamadingdong in addition to serving on the Melbourne Spoken Word Committee. Sam has been published in Ghost City Press, Blowing Raspberries, and The Dirty Thirty Anthology and has been featured at The Owl & Cat Session, La Mama Poetica, Girls on Key, and White Night 2016 among others. Her debut book of poetry, Pick Me Up, got rave reviews from her Mom. She is currently the Editor of CrowdInk.