7 Things You’ll Never Hear a Bartender Say

HAPPY FRIDAY! Here’s a few things to remember during your next pub crawl.

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Bartenders are stereotypically outgoing, big personalities, and even bigger smiles.

But the truth is that there’s an awful lot going on behind that smile while you sit or stand across from them and trade attention for a tip. Here’s a list of the top 7 things you’ll never hear a bartender say (but we promise you, they’re thinking it.)

1. Whistle at me one more time. See if you get served in the next 2 hours.

2. Sweet Jesus, I am not a mind reader. I don’t get paid enough to make your drinks and also “surprise you.” Pick. A. Damn. Beverage.

3. “Make it strong?” Right. I’m giving you a coke and dipping the straw in rum. You want it strong, you pay for a double like a normal human being.

4. The only number I’m giving you is for a cab. I don’t walk into your office, leer at you for an hour with no conversation, and then ask you out while you’re cleaning out your inbox and stapling things.

5. Why did you ask me for a Long Island, Mojito, and Margarita AFTER I poured your three beers. Just order everything at once. I’ll remember. I do this 90 hours a week, remember?

6. No; I don’t know what that drink on special at Olive Garden that’s green and tastes like it might have gin in it is. No; I can’t make you something close. We have a menu and a bunch of chalkboards. Look at them.

7. How in the hell do you know my name? If you didn’t ask my name, screaming it over the bar isn’t going to get you served. It’s going to get you ignored.

BONUS: Listen. I like my job. It’s stressful as all hell, but I get paid to be happy with people. Go out there and BE THE BEST BAR PATRON YOU CAN BE THIS WEEKEND! Pay me when I deserve to be paid and don’t be a d***. That’s literally it.

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Sam Ferrante is a poet, editor, facilitator, and writer born on Long Island, college-fed in Western New York and Paris, and then poetically raised in Buffalo, NY; Ireland; and Australia. A former member of the Pure Ink Poetry team in Buffalo and a regular competitor in Dublin's Slam Sunday, Sam was a Co-Creative Producer at Melbourne-based Slamalamadingdong in addition to serving on the Melbourne Spoken Word Committee. Sam has been published in Ghost City Press, Blowing Raspberries, and The Dirty Thirty Anthology and has been featured at The Owl & Cat Session, La Mama Poetica, Girls on Key, and White Night 2016 among others. Her debut book of poetry, Pick Me Up, got rave reviews from her Mom. She is currently the Editor of CrowdInk.