If I had to sum up the 2016 Golden Globes in one word I would choose: Awkward.
Where dry humor was meant to lay his head, Awkwardness descended onto the hall like a curse flattening the champagne and replacing laughter with painful cringing.
There were some instances where funnier heads prevailed, like when Jaime Foxx gave us a Steve Harvey moment or America Ferrara and Eva Longoria trolling (white) people for (being racist) confusing them with other prominent Latina actresses that they look nothing like.
Taraji P Henson’s entire speech and handing out cookies like heavenly hosts as she ascended the stage pretty much held the show up by itself. However, Awkwardness was the big winner last night, so in the spirit of coming correct, let’s honor her and tip our wigs to her handy work.
1. Ricky Gervais is best known for his no-holds-barred approach to comedy and his tendency to insight offense as opposed to laughter. So it’s no surprise that he opened up the show by putting the trans in vehicular manslaughter.
Awkward Level: Getting a DUI in your driveway.
2. Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum have an unexpected comedic chemistry as seen in the 21 Jump Street franchise. I would have expected more of them, but Jonah Hill had honestly had one too many martinis and Channing Tatum was too busy trying to recall what Beyonce smells like to get the envelope with the winners name printed. Add this to Jonah Hill dressed as a bear- the twink’s natural predator -and you have yourself a recipe for something truly awkward.
Awkward Level: Having to drive last night’s hook up to homeroom the next day, because they are one of those seniors who takes school seriously up until the very last exam.
3. Katy Perry was there.
Awkward Level: Your ex showing up to your wedding in a mourning veil.
4. There was a running joke all night about The Martian being a comedy that, like the chicken being served, got dryer and dryer as the night progressed. This all came to a head when The Martian won the award for Best Motion Picture Comedy and Ridley Scott pulled out his SAT Vocab prep-book and gave us a new word: postumus. I know he was reaching for posthumous, but he didn’t stretch first.
Awkward Level: Making eye contact with your boss at the urinal after you got fired.
5. Leonardo DiCaprio is a phenomenal actor who has not gotten his just desserts. Consequently, he is also the number one example used by white cis men when trying to disprove white patriarchal privilege. When Lady Gaga won her award for AHS: Hotel he gave what I would call the “cringe empathized with around the world.” Not that I find Lady Gaga cringe-worthy, but the woman has worn a meat dress before. Some smells don’t come out.
Awkward Level: Saying goodbye to someone and then exiting out the same door.
6. Ricky would poke his head out every so often to deliver some uninspired joke but really out-did himself with Mel Gibson. A lot of the exchange was bleeped out, but the on-stage reunion was, for me, the peak awkward moment of the night. Both men have proven themselves to be less-than-tactful so putting them on stage together was like watching two beta fish try to eat each other, forget what they were doing, and then try to eat each other again.
Awkward Level: Catching your parents having sex in your bed.